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Post by DonaldCengXiongAzuma on Jun 15, 2019 13:37:48 GMT 5
Planet of the Bears 6: Old Epharim and Vamp Bear.
An old prospector named Ebenezer Ephraim, whom everyone simply calls "Old Ephraim" saves the life of a Blackfoot Indian's favorite granddaughter. As it turns out, this Indian is a powerful shaman. He sends the spirit of the great bear into Old Ephraim. Now, when Old Epraim is threatened, in his place stands a great grizzly who towers 10-feet tall and weighs 2000 pounds. Being supernatural, bullets have no effect on the great bear. Over time when North America was invaded by English Stellers, the Blackfoot Indian merged with Old Ephraim becoming one with him and killing many of the European Stellers. This is the first time a man and a bear merged together becoming one. What happened to Old Ephairmand the Blackfoot Indian became a mystery, however, legend says that Old Ephraim ruled the bears and was the dominant predator in North America. This incident happened centuries ago (Brobear allowed me to use his bear in my story and sorry it took so long).
Back in the underground arena, Avenger informed Artos H Verde that its time to call out Vamp bear to the surface of the earth. Avenger handed Bjornson's dead human body to the gorillas and chimpanzees and ordered them to make more clones as they were impressed by Bjornson's raw power (both in human and bear form). Avenger and Artos H Verde sent bears in human forms to outer space to befriend the predators which love to hunt and fight and to organise more battle royales. The predators enjoying their fight with stronger opponents agreed. Avenger and Artos H Verde cut themselves and invoked Vamp Bear to come out and to tell them what to do. Vamp Bear appeared in his human form and told Avenger and Artos H Verde to destroy all humans on the planet of the Bears and to go to the planet of the predators after that. The bears in human form when around the planet eradicating the rest of humanity before joining the predators on their planet. More battle royales to begin after the last chapter.
Vamp Bear destroyed humanity after winning them over for three and a half years. Vamp Bear then gave humanity a choice to either be merged with a bear or be killed. These that refused were killed. These that refused were killed by Vamp Bear.
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Post by DonaldCengXiongAzuma on Jun 15, 2019 13:38:18 GMT 5
Planet of the Bears 7 (Final chapter): Judgement for the planet.
The Three Creators from Kingdom of Life sent a male topaz ice bear (which became a cyan star) to planet of the Bears' solar system. The male topaz ice bear destroyed the planet of the Bears, its green star, and the solar system before getting raptured to Kingdom of Life. The same male topaz ice bear caused a supernova which knocked Vamp Bear back to the original earth which is reserved for the Three Creators to judge. Artos H Verde and Avenger had already reach the planet of the predators (Yautja Prime) on time and therefore were not caught up in the supernova explosion. The male topaz ice bear would have killed both Artos H Verde and Avenger if they had remained there. Artos H Verde and Avenger planned may battle royales to come. The end of planet of the Bears - I will write more battle royales tomorrow or next weak. One of the upcoming battle royales : Invasion of Xenomorph Prime.
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Post by creature386 on Jun 15, 2019 23:43:41 GMT 5
One of my favorite stories of yours, I must say.
But as you know me, I have to play the literary critic:
+I like how you gave all your important characters core drives (Verde wants to enslave humanity, Avenger wants to kill tigers, Bjornson wants revenge). I still struggle with this.
+Your bears themselves are cool and I like the science fiction flavoring. You also made use of Vamp (I wish more people could do that with their kaijus), though it could have had more screen time. Are you planning to give it more in forthcoming chapters?
+The dialogue makes everything more lively.
+The battles have also improved. There are real stakes as opposed to just "X kills Y".
-Unfortunately, some of the villain dialogue is cartoonish and cheesy.
-I think these chapters would work better as separate books than as chapters. Or as some sort of timeline. For a real story, you'd need a character who has a problem that is introduced in the beginning and resolved in the climax. Your chapters each follow this structure, but your book does not. The closest thing to a common thread would be Verde trying to enslave humanity, but he succeeds to early and acts more like an antagonist despite being the closest thing this book has to a protagonist.
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Post by dinosauria101 on Jun 16, 2019 0:17:26 GMT 5
-Unfortunately, some of the villain dialogue is cartoonish and cheesy. How so? I didn't really find that to be the case (I may have missed it though) |
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Post by creature386 on Jun 16, 2019 0:24:18 GMT 5
Evil laughter and gratuitously calling others weak and stupid are very cartoonish.
Although, I have to admit that this is a very minor problem. I encourage the fact that oldgreengrolar now uses some dialogue.
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Post by DonaldCengXiongAzuma on Jun 16, 2019 12:55:25 GMT 5
Evil laughter and gratuitously calling others weak and stupid are very cartoonish. Although, I have to admit that this is a very minor problem. I encourage the fact that oldgreengrolar now uses some dialogue. Like I said before good story writers have good editors. I don't remember using the word called 'stupid'  ? There is going to be a sequel to Planet of the Bears quite a lot of the animals have moved to Yautaja Prime. |
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Post by creature386 on Jun 16, 2019 14:27:37 GMT 5
This was not intended to insult you or anything, you can see this forum part of the editing process. As I said, this is one of your best works and probably one of those with the most effort. Keep going!
Anyway, the dialogue thing is something really, really minor. What you should focus on more in the future is the "common thread" thing. Preventing issues with it is much easier than fixing them (I speak from experience).
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Post by DonaldCengXiongAzuma on Jun 16, 2019 16:26:38 GMT 5
No offense taken. I meant to say you make a good editor.
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Post by DonaldCengXiongAzuma on Jun 16, 2019 16:26:53 GMT 5
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Post by creature386 on Jun 16, 2019 16:28:22 GMT 5
Thanks!
By the way, I'm going to post a worldbuilding timeline for the Senderverse, maybe you could do the same for your universe after I've done mine.
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Post by DonaldCengXiongAzuma on Jun 16, 2019 16:29:36 GMT 5
Care to explain what a worldbuilding timeline means? Thanks.
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Post by creature386 on Jun 16, 2019 16:39:13 GMT 5
Just wait until you see mine.
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Post by DonaldCengXiongAzuma on Jun 16, 2019 17:48:38 GMT 5
Ussuri brown bear vs Siberian tiger in the Far East Russian forest.
There were rumors that a Siberian tiger named Dale preys on Ussuri brown bears twice his weight. There was also an account that there are more siberian tigers killing brown bears compared to vice verse. Upon further research, however, it was discovered that there were no brown bears twice the weight of Dale. The largest brown bear ever killed by Dale was a female black grizzly almost his own weight and in the captive accounts, the grizzly bears always won. This is because the tiger's in cage fights were without their elements of surprise. As powerful and lethal as the tiger was these accounts said it was no match for a brown bear. Many years later, the debates on the Ussuri brown bears versus Siberian tigers are the second most popular debate after the tiger versus lion debates, a few researchers decided to live in the Far East Russian forest where both the Ussuri brown bear and the Siberian tiger lives. This was done to check out how the two animals interact with each other and who is actually the winner.
The researchers went into the forest with their wives and decided to make a base there. The leader of the researcher named Carter went on a walk with a friend leaving his wife and others back in the base. As they stopped to eat, a huge 850 pound Ussuri brown bear appeared out of nowhere. Nick panicked and drop his knapsack of food and ran and so did his friend. As Nick looked back, the black grizzly looked at them and growled as if to say' Thank you' and feasted on the food after breaking open the knapsacks and eating the food. Since, Nick did a research with his drones and discovered that this black grizzly is the biggest bear in his area. They decided to name him Pedro. Over the next few days, the Pedro was observed sniffing and following tiger tracks and eating carcasses left behind by siberian tigers but they could not find any elusive tigers.
The following weak, the drones found the largest Siberian tiger in the forest. The drones gathered his data and discovered he is Dale's great great great great grandson. Carter named the Siberian tiger, Dale (after his great great great great great grandfather). Dale displayed similar acts as his great ancestor did. This large male siberian tiger was a great hunter and could kill even dangerous animals like wild boars, elk, and even asiatic black bears and female ussuri brown bears (close to his weight as long as he ambushes them) but even then its rare. In fact, Dale once had his kill stolen by a male asiatic black bear. Later, on Dale ambushed and killed the asiatic black bear in revenge. Carter and his companions came to the place where they are certain that Dale would be no match for Pedro and even an average male ussuri brown bear but decided to watch Dale for a few more days. Dale sure enough avoided all male ussuri brown bears, however, he would have a go at the asiatic black bears (even then he made sure they did not know he was there before attacking). This is because should Dale get injured, he would be more at risk of starving to death even though he is capable of killing an asiatic black bear even head on. Carter even witness an asiatic black bear chasing Dale off once it was aware of the striped cats presence.
Dale once approached a female Ussuri brown bear with cubs and ambushed her. The fight was fierce and the cubs climb up the trees. Although Dale was in a better position, the female black grizzly was putting up a fierce fight and seems to be crying out for 'help'. 'Help' came in the form of Pedro, the huge male black grizzly arrived and drove off the Siberian tiger. Pedro sniffed at the female grizzly which slapped him in the face and disappeared with her cubs. Pedro moved on. Satisfied, the researchers decided to go home, however, they were in for a surprise that very same night.
Dale stalked a huge male 700 pound wild boar which put up a good fight. Dale struggled with the wild boar for hours and knowing he can't kill the wild boar by traditional strangulation methods, Dale had to bite at its chest the same way a leopard would do to a warthog. The wild boar ceased struggling and died because of blood lost. As Dale was feasting, Pedro approached and drove him off. Dale retreated for a while but he had reach his limit. Essentially Pedro had been bullying Dale for years and stealing his food and the tiger decided enough is enough. Dale swatted Pedro with his right paw. Pedro looked surprise but did nothing. Dale continued hitting Pedro until he grew tired. Pedro had some scratches on his nose and snout but he was still as calm as ever. Just as Dale stopped to catch his breathe, the huge black grizzly rushed at the siberian tiger and brawled with him. Pedro's much stronger forearms and body allowed him to control the fight and he pushed Dale to the ground before biting the tiger's throat and snapping its neck (by shaking its jaws - the male black grizzly was holding down the Siberian tiger with its fore paws in the meantime). Although Pedro won the fight, he developed an intense hate for tigers by that time.
Carter and his team headed back to Russia, however, the left a chemical which gave Pedro greater intelligence than before (took effect a day after Pedro killed Dale). Pedro accidentally drank that chemical in Carter's knapsack. Pedro developed a hatred not only for tigers but also poachers and humans and he fed his kind with intelligence chemicals and renamed himself 'Avenger' or 'Pedro the Avenger' before going on a killing spree (killing tigers and poachers). The end of the story.
In an alternate ending where Pedro did not take the intelligence chemical, Pedro continued his merry way and lived another 20 years and died in peace when he reached 30 years old. During his time, he ruled the forest and no other predator in his range dared to oppose him.
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Post by creature386 on Jun 16, 2019 22:10:44 GMT 5
Nice! Finally some backstory for Avenger. I already wondered why he hated tigers so much, but it seems like he's basically a bear Bjornson whose wife did not get fridged.
I especially liked that sentence about "debates on the Ussuri brown bears versus Siberian tigers [being] the second most popular debate after the tiger versus lion debates". Fits well in a forum like this.
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Post by dinosauria101 on Jun 17, 2019 3:57:55 GMT 5
oldgreengrolar
I agree! Nice job on the brown bear vs tiger popularity. It certainly is a nice alternative to fanboy-ridden Lion vs Tiger!
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? There is going to be a sequel to Planet of the Bears quite a lot of the animals have moved to Yautaja Prime.