Funniest things you've ever heard from someone

[dinosauria101]

NOTE TO MODS: If you think this goes elsewhere, by all means move it.

As the title says, what are some of the funniest things you've ever heard from people? The 2 at the top of my head right now is jhg's House Stark joke here and creature386's joke here*

*if you don't get it, it's basically a funnier way of saying he was banned

[creature386]

Glad you liked it, I did not put so much thought in it. Ironically, I'm much funnier when I don't try to be than when I try to be (the latter is often rather cringe-worthy).

[dinosauria101]

That is ironic! Also qualifies as a pick for this thread!

Anyway, after a bit of thinking, another thing good for lulz is the Grizzly Bear vs Siberian Tiger thread, and the excerpt. Should be obvious why.

[theropod]

Sagan's avid pot smoking and agnosticism no doubt inspired Sagan's pseudoscientific fantasies that he foisted on his gullible fans. For example, Sagan alleged that evolution was a "fact"

www.conservapedia.com/Carl_Sagan

How conservapedia seems to blame everything on marijuana use. Apparently, pot is also the reason for mass shootings if we believe them? Yeah. Pot. Not guns. Pot.

Also:

Science fiction, such as Star Trek, has postulated many different types of directed energy weapons. These are guns that fire beams, waves, or packets of energy. Some energy guns can be set to stun, not to wound or kill. Most firearms legislation would not classify these as firearms, so their ownership would be unrestricted.

www.conservapedia.com/Gun
What they are trying to imply there…genius.
Probably "Hypocritical liberals want to ban guns but they don’t want to ban phasers, because we hypothesize they wouldn’t classify them as firearms"

[theropod]

Another good one.

www.conservapedia.com/Car#Effect_on_societies

However, increased automobile use has also added pollution to the air, led to a rise in injuries and fatalities in traffic accidents, took more land, and resulted in a rise in congestion on the roads.

Starts out good right? Is Conservapedia becoming objective?
But behold in a sudden twist ending, the next sentence reads:

Although automobile fumes do cause an increase of smog in urban areas, they do not contribute to human-caused Climate Change.

Yeah. Right.

[creature386]

That part on phasers… wow!
Also their "Counterexamples to Relativity" page used to have this infamous gem (which was the subject of mockery of so many liberal press articles):

The action-at-a-distance by Jesus, described in John 4:46-54.

The reasoning is that the theory of relativity (due to lightspeed delay) does not allow "instantaneous actions" (e.g. I cannot affect something a meter away from me in less than 3*10^-9 seconds), but Jesus healing that man (which is an unquestionable historical fact) supposedly happened "instantaneously", so, checkmate Einstein!
Moreover, the author of this (Andrew Shlafly, Conservapedia's founder) at some other point claimed relativity is wrong because his energy does not increase by the speed of light squared whenever he eats a pound of cake.
Then there's also Shlafly's claim that black holes don't exist because they cause people to read the Bible less.

Yeah…

[theropod]

www.conservapedia.com/Bible

The Bible is the most logical, insightful and influential collection of books and letters ever written. It includes the most beautiful book ever written, the Gospel of Luke, the most profound book ever written, the Gospel of John, and the most intellectual treatise ever written, the Epistle to the Hebrews. Biblical scientific foreknowledge has anticipated or guided nearly every great human achievement.

Very subtle and impartial, truly becoming of an article in a "trustworthy encyclopedia".

[dinosauria101]

theropod

FANTASTIC posts! This thread is like a comedy show!

Anyhow, I know I've said it earlier but it was so funny I must say it again:
The flaming from the bear vs tiger thread and the archived part always gives me lots of lulz

[creature386]

That's part of the reason why the posts were archived rather than deleted.

[theropod]

www.rawstory.com/2019/09/trump-evoked-stunned-silence-by-shouting-wheres-my-favorite-dictator-at-meeting-with-egyptian-officials-report/

“Mr. Trump looked over a gathering of American and Egyptian officials and called out in a loud voice: ‘Where’s my favorite dictator?’ Several people who were in the room at the time said they heard the question,” the newspaper reported.

[theropod]

Apparently, the bible predicted quantum physics because in several books it compares two of something.

Several parables in the Bible foreshadow the insight of quantum entanglement about paired photons having opposite spin, by contrasting two men in their relationship with God. The Prodigal Son contrasts two brothers, two churchgoers are contrasted in Luke 18:9–14, and two brothers are further contrasted in Luke 21:28-31.

www.conservapedia.com/Quantum_mechanics

Although honestly the funniest part imho is that conservapedia even believes in quantum physics, I would have thought it (and relativity) would be officially presented as cultural marxist pseudoscience or something like that.

[creature386]

rationalwiki.org/wiki/Time_Cube
It's impossible to pick out single quotes, just read the article in full.
This picture is a good teaser if you wanna see what expects you:

[dinosauria101]

@creature

I found even more of the same flaming between kodiak and mountainlord on a Tapatalk group. The website is laced with offensive posts so I don't think I should link it but the flaming is great!

[DonaldCengXiongAzuma]

/\ Could you sent me the link please?

[dinosauria101]

Sept 17, 2019 15:52:30 GMT 5 DonaldCengXiongAzuma said:

/\ Could you sent me the link please?

Sure, in a PM